How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
She told me I should be a condom model.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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