Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
