dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
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