if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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