He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
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