If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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