one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
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