where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Randomize
