I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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