On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
i just wanna soil my oats bro
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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