I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Did I show you my penis last night?
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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