I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Randomize
