She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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