you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Randomize
