R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
They have beer where we have blood.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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