I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
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