tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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