like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
