i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
