Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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