don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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