I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
did i just pee glitter
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
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