the condom got lost in my hair
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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