You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
