put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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