I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
