i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
