Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Randomize
