I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
