All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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