Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize