dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Randomize
