I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
