Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
