So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
