Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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