I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize