someone threw a dead crab at me
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
