i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
