my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
