1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
