I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize