it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
