there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
