Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
