my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
