MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
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