First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
17 year olds will be the death of me.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
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