Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
