well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Randomize
