I'm pants shitting drunk right now
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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