I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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