hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
