Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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