Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Who put my cat in the fridge?
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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