Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
